For In Pranks
by inactive0000000account
Summary: For in dreams, we enter a world entirely filled with pranks by the author. April Fool's day pranks from the author of For In Dreams, because why not.
1. April Fools, 2016

**The game. Happy April fools!**


	2. April Fools, 2017

**Chapter Fifty-Seven**

 **Reality Crumbling**

 **Harry**

As the door swung shut behind them, the first thing Harry realized was that it was not the Gryffindor common room. The second thing was that the floor was covered in rubber mats. The third thing was the alarmingly pale man in bright pink exercise clothes hanging upside down from a pole.

The man blinked at them. Then he shrieked.

"AHHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Harry screeched.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ginny screamed.

The man let go of the pole and landed with a very loud thump on the rubber mat under the pole. Scrambling to his feet, the man whipped out a wand from a place Harry did not want to imagine (the man was wearing extremely short shorts) and aimed it at the two of them.

"Harry Potter!"

"Fuck!" Harry squeaked.

"How did you get into my secret lair?" the man demanded.

 _Harry…_

 _What?_

 _Um… I think that's Voldemort?_

Harry blinked. Which was when he realized, the man had no nose.

"Voldemort?" he said.

Voldemort gaped at him. "Who else would it be?" he demanded. "What other wizards have gray skin, red eyes and lack a nose?"

"Um… I don't know?"

Voldemort spluttered at them. "How did you get here?"

"I don't know?"

"Were you dancing on that pole?" Ginny asked.

Voldemort glanced over his shoulder, then turned bright red. He spluttered a bit more, turned several shades of pink, then purple, then –

There was a loud pop, and something warm and stick splattered Harry's face. Something bright red. And flesh-like. He blinked, then promptly vomited. Ginny did too, having gotten the Voldy-bits in her eyes. Harry vanished it as quickly as he could, before collapsing onto the floor with heaving breaths.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Harry screamed.

Ginny collapsed next to him, her hands clapped over her mouth in trauma.

 _WHAT THE FUCK?_

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAATT THEEEE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKK!"

Harry made eye contact with her. "WHAT THE FUCK?" they screamed together.

"Daddy, I'm ready!"

They both sat bolt upright, whipped around, and were faced with a white-faced Draco Malfoy in the doorway.

"What the fuck," Harry and Ginny said.

Malfoy blinked. They blinked back. Malfoy blinked numerous times in rapid succession. Ginny fainted.

"What!" Harry demanded. "Why!"

Malfoy did a karate roll, then flopped onto the floor beside them. He pressed two fingers to Ginny's neck, then declared: "She's not dead, don't worry."

"What."

Malfoy looked up and stared him in the eye. "I have a confession."

"The."

"I might be in love with you."

" _Fuck?_ "

Malfoy blushed. "I know it's alarming!" he said, then began to crawl closer to him. "I've seemingly hated you for five years, but it's only because I'm secretly jealous of you and I want you really badly."

Harry scooted away. Malfoy crawled closer. "I mean, couldn't you tell how much I wanted you from how angry I was that you spurned my advances and went for the She-Weasel?"

"Ah, no, no definitely didn't notice that!"

"I was pining for you for so long," Malfoy said in a long, breathy drawl. "And then you went and got yourself married. Ugh! I hated it! I never wanted to imagine that our love was never meant to be!"

Harry scrambled to his feet, as Malfoy was uncomfortably close by that moment. "Y'know, there are plenty of fish in the sea –"

"Plenty of fish; hogwash!" Malfoy screamed, jumping to his feet, he strode forward and grabbed Harry by the lapels of his robes. "I am in love with you! I have loved you since we were children! There will never be anyone else for me!"

"Now, now, I'm sure you don't mean that," Harry laughed nervously.

Malfoy did the unexpected. The unthinkable. Something that would haunt Harry in his worst nightmares for all eternity. He kissed Harry.

"Get the fuck off my husband!"

Harry ripped away from Malfoy and started spitting onto the floor, as Ginny jumped to her feet and leveled her wand on Malfoy. "How dare you!" Ginny cried. "How _dare_ you!"

"You've had him for years, you little brat!" Malfoy spat, though verbally, as opposed to the literal way which Harry was still currently doing. "You could never love him the way I love him!"

"I'm literally attached to his brain, you pompous bastard!" Ginny shouted.

Malfoy drew his wand. Harry, on all fours and wiping his tongue with his robes, looked up as his wife and Malfoy took up dueling stances.

"I challenge you for his hand!" Malfoy declared. "Winner, well, obviously they win Harry –"

"Loser jumps off a bloody cliff!" Ginny countered.

"I'd do that anyway if you won, I can't stand living without him any longer!" Malfoy snapped.

Ginny almost lowered her wand. "Wow," she murmured. "You really _are_ pathetic."

Malfoy's face turned bright purple as his lips twisted in an ugly glare. "En garde!" he declared, leveling his wand.

"Isn't that a Muggle thing?" Harry asked.

"I don't give a fuck about Muggles, I just want to suck your dick!" Malfoy sighed.

Harry reflexively drew his legs up to his chest.

"Enough yakking!" Ginny said. "Ready, set, go!"

" _Bombarda!_ "

" _Reducto!_ "

" _Protego!_ "

" _Protego Maxima!_ "

" _Stupefy!_ "

"Give up already!" Malfoy shouted as he ducked.

"Never!" Ginny spat, dodging a curse.

Harry crawled away from the duel towards where the remains of a pink crop top and matching shorts were sat in a pile of – He crawled away from that, actually. He dropped behind an exercise machine, wondering what the hell he was supposed to do now.

" _Expelliarmus!_ " Ginny shouted.

" _Crucio!_ " Malfoy countered. Ginny gasped and dropped to the floor; the curse flew over her head and struck a concrete wall. Harry gaped.

"Stand! Still!" Malfoy screeched. Ginny rolled to the side as another bright red flash of light shot from Malfoy's wand. " _Crucio! Reducto! Bomarda Maxima! Crucio!_ "

Ginny threw her wand into the air and shouted: " _Protego Reditum!_ " just as Malfoy, his face bright red, screamed: " _Expulso!_ "

The bright blue flash of light from Malfoy struck Ginny's semi-translucent ward directly, and for a second, it just hung there as time stood still; Malfoy's eyes were given an unhinged gleam by the light as Ginny's mouth formed the words _"WHAT THE FUCK DUDE"_ , then time resumed. The curse bounced off of Ginny's ward and struck Malfoy directly in the chest.

"Oh, fuck," Malfoy muttered, then exploded.

Harry dodged most of the rain of fleshy bits by hiding further behind the exercise machine. The rest bounced off Ginny's ward.

Harry peaked out from behind the machine. Ginny was lying on the floor, a shocked look in her eyes, and there were bits of Malfoy scattering the room. To the left of him lay a long, skinny bit of flesh that upon closer inspection – Harry looked away quickly and threw up in his mouth a little.

"Did I just –" Ginny said. "Did he – Did that –"

"Malfoy killed himself," Harry decided. "Completely his fault. He started it."

"Right," Ginny muttered. "Erm. Now that both Malfoy and Voldemort have combusted, what the fuck?"

"Is that our new catchphrase?" Harry muttered, standing up.

Ginny flopped onto her back. "Yes?"

"Where even are we?" Harry asked, walking over to her. "I thought we were at Hogwarts? I mean, two seconds ago we were walking into the Gryffindor common room and Cormac McLaggen was about to start shouting at me! What the hell happened?"

Ginny raised her arms, her face contorting in confusion. She made a noise that sounded vaguely like _"I dunno_ " then dropped her arms over her face.

"I'm going to blame stress," Harry said. "Or those mushrooms we had to drink. Or Peeves."

"The mushrooms would make the most sense," Ginny muttered.

"It was my fault," Peeves said, floating lazily above their heads. Harry jumped, tripped over something, and landed in something squishy. "Careful there, you're meant to respect the dead!"

Harry looked down and spotted pink fabric. He screamed and rolled away, then started Scourgifying his clothes.

"I was told to stop by and claim this as my fault," Peeves said, inspecting his nails, "and this is quite the ingenious prank, so I figured what the hell why not? Bye!"

"Wait!" Ginny cried, but Peeves simply darted through a wall and out of sight. Harry gaped at the spot where the poltergeist had vanished.

"Why?" Harry muttered.

Then Peeves stuck his head back through the wall. "Oh, the exit is outside this room, two corridors down, make a left, then an immediate right, and open the door that has a giant THIS IS NOT THE EXIT sign on it. Have fun!"

Peeves vanished again. Harry looked at Ginny.

"The fuck?" she said.

"Agreed," he replied.

Harry stood up, brushing off his robes. "Might as well," he said. "We don't really have any better options."

"True," Ginny said. "But… maybe we could just pray?"

"No, I'm thinking we look for the not-exit," Harry said. "Come on. Let's get away from the exploded bodies."

"I think Voldemort imploded, actually," Ginny said musingly as they made their way out of the flesh-covered room. "From shame."

"That's wildly specific," Harry muttered. "Two corridors down?"

"Then a left and then a right," Ginny answered. "Are we sure this is a good idea?" she asked hesitantly as they turned the first corner.

Harry made a noncommittal shrug, then made a right turn. Before them was a large and oblongly shaped door, bearing a bright neon sign with flashing lights declaring it to not be the exit.

"I don't know if I really trust Peeves," Ginny said.

"We have no other options," Harry reminded her, then opened the door.

"WHHYYYYYYY-AHAHHHAHHHH!"

Harry clapped his hands over his ears; the wailing was really high-pitched and loud.

"What?" Ginny shouted over the wailing. Harry squinted – because that's always what you do when there are loud noises – at the room in front of them, then blinked, and took off his glasses to clean them. Placing them back on his face, he blinked again.

"Yep, we're seeing that," he said.

Narcissa Malfoy was patting the shoulder of Bellatrix Lestrange, her hair in curlers and wrapped in a pink silk robe. Bellatrix was wearing curlers too, but they were a mess compared to Narcissa's, as well as a flannel night-gown and bunny slippers. There was a vast tub of ice cream sat before them both, half empty and with two spoons sticking out.

"I don't get it either, dear," Narcissa said non-sincerely. Bellatrix just kept wailing, big fat tears flowing from her eyes. Narcissa seemed to notice them just then and quickly pressed a finger to her lips, shushing them.

"Um…" Harry said.

"WHY WOULD HE LEAVE ME LIKE THAT?" Bellatrix screamed. "I WAS GOING TO HAVE HIS BABY AND EVERYTHING!"

"I don't know, dear," Narcissa sighed. She flapped a hand at them dismissively.

"I MEAN," Bellatrix choked, hiccupping, "WHAT DOES HE SEE IN THAT LITTLE BRAT THAT I DON'T HAVE? No offense to Draco, though, Cissy."

"None taken, Draco really is an ungrateful brat," Narcissa said. "Personally, I'd say it's entirely disturbing, but I'm afraid that the Dark Lord will kill me if I suggest his relationship with my son is anything other than perfect."

Harry made eye contact with Ginny. They pulled the door shut.

"I told you we shouldn't trust Peeves," Ginny said.

"Fine, fine, you were right," Harry sighed. "Now what?"

"Did you guys actually believe me?" Peeves said. The both of them jumped a foot into the air as Peeves popped into sight between them. "I mean, come on, it has flashing lights and everything saying that it's not the exit!"

"Could you actually be helpful here, Peeves?" Ginny asked sarcastically.

"Oh, why didn't you just ask, then?" Peeves said in a drawling voice, then he snapped his fingers and a bright blue poof of smoke filled the room. When it cleared, Peeves was gone, but so was the corridor. Or rather, they had gone from the corridor, appearing instead just below the rafters of the Great Hall.

Harry looked down, then let out a manly scream of terror; Ginny grabbed him by the arm and they started falling.

" _Aresto Momemtum!_ "

They froze in midair. Harry cracked one eye. They were floating a few inches above the Slytherin table. Then they dropped abruptly again, and Harry landed in a large dish of butter.

"What is going on here?" came Dumbledore's voice.

Harry and Ginny scrambled up, Ginny wiping mashed potatoes from her face, to address the Headmaster. Naturally, the Great Hall was full to bursting, so the entire population of Hogwarts were gaping at them.

"Um…" Harry said.

Snape stood up suddenly, raising an arm and pointing directly at Ginny. "You've killed Malfoy!" he shouted.

"What?" Ginny said. "No, I didn't! He killed himself!"

"Murderer!" Snape screamed.

"I didn't murder anyone!" Ginny insisted.

"Okay, I am sick of this!" Harry screamed. "Oi! You!" He stared up at the ceiling, a glare on his face. "Yeah, I know you can hear me, you're reading this right now! Stop it! Click away! Quit tormenting me under the guise of cheap entertainment!"

The Great Hall collectively gaped at him. Ginny glanced at him out of the corner of her eye; not even she knew what Harry was doing.

"Reader!" Harry shouted. "I'm talking to you! Can't you tell this is just a cruel joke the author is playing on us both? Malfoy isn't dead! Voldemort wasn't wearing a pink crop top and shorts! Look at your calendar! It's April first!"

Ginny started uncomfortably squirming, because it was quite clearly December 28th.

"Oi, I heard that!" Harry declared. "Author! Lady! Whatever your name is, it's April first and you're trying to play a joke on your poor readers by torturing me!"

"And me!" Ginny said.

The author hastily tried to stifle Harry's outburst, because they still have to go find some dominatrix gear and have kinky sex.

"What?" Harry squeaked, ripping the gag off of his mouth. "We're not going to have kinky sex!"

It's very clearly displayed in the outline, the author reminds him, right between making Malfoy explode and finding Bellatrix in bunny slippers. Wait. Crap, now we have to rewind.

Harry blinked, having one moment been standing on the Slytherin table, the next back in the exercise room. Malfoy had just exploded, and Harry had an unexplained boner; he didn't know whether it was Ginny making Malfoy explode or Malfoy offering to suck his dick.

"Okay, fuck you, author!" Harry shouted, jumping up. "I do not have a boner and Malfoy did _not_ turn me on!"

The author would like to direct the reader's attention to the tent in Harry's jeans. Harry looked down at himself, turned bright red, and hastily yanked his shirt down over his crotch. "Cut it out!"

The author would also like to direct the reader's attention to the fact that Ginny is now wearing a black leather cat-suit and holding a riding crop. Ginny shrieked and conjured a blanket to cover herself with.

"You stop this right now!" Harry shouted. "Take us back to Hogwarts and put us back where we're supposed to be; with the dead family members and the Wembley Act!"

"Actually, if you could put us back in Sydney and have that whole thing never happen, that would be great," Ginny asked.

Harry and Ginny have no such luck. The both of them blinked, and they were standing on the Slytherin table again. Ginny shrieked again and hastily yanked her blanket around herself.

"That is not what we asked!" Harry shouted angrily.

"Oh, will you just quit it!" Remus shouted.

Harry and Ginny looked over at the teacher's table. Sirius stared at his lover in confusion. Remus jumped onto the table, having been possessed by the spirit of the author.

"This is not at all going according to plan," Remus/the author insisted.

"Hold up," Sirius said.

"Quiet, lover boy, before I change my mind about your fate," Remus/the author snapped.

Sirius clapped his mouth shut, frowning. "What's my fate?" he muttered to himself.

"I wrote this huge outline of all the ridiculous things that were supposed to happen," Remus/the author told them, starting to walk and crossing the hall on air because, as he was being possessed by the author, gravity no longer affected him. Obviously. "You only did half of the things! Come on, guys!"

"You have a giant outline for the rest of the story!" Harry whined. "Come on, can you just put everything back to the way it's supposed to be?"

"Actually, could you leave Voldemort dead?" Ginny asked. "I'm not looking forward to having to track down the –"

"Oi!" Remus/the author interrupted, glaring. "Spoilers! The readers are still here! At least, I think they are, some of them may have left, in which case shame on them!"

"Fine, fine, but can we end this already?" Harry asked.

Remus/the author pressed a hand to his face, rubbing at his eyes vigorously. "Alright, fine, but only because I'm lazy and I don't want to bring in those other characters!"

"Wait, what other characters?" Harry asked.

"The dinosaurs from the Land Before Time, the Doctor, and the Percy Jackson series," Remus/the author sighed. "And no, that does not sound cool, readers, it sounds like a nightmare, honestly, I don't even know why I did this myself."

Harry and Remus/the author made eye contact. Then they turned and looked the readers directly in the eye. They realize together who the true villain is in this giant mess.

"You," Harry murmured.

"You've done this to us," Remus/the author whispered.

"This is your fault," Harry insisted.

"You bloody readers, with your constant begging for more content," Remus/the author declared. "Don't you realize that I am not a fanfic making machine and can't spit out chapters every day? Isn't one every two weeks enough for you? I'm going insane with all this!"

"Okay, maybe that's taking it a bit far," Harry reminded Remus/the author. "Wait, why are you even possessing Remus? Shouldn't you be possessing Dumbledore or something?"

"Because my normal username is Moony," Remus/the author admitted. "And the characters I relate to the most in this series are you, Sirius, and Remus."

"Aw, thanks!" Harry said, blushing.

"You're welcome, anyway!"

They resumed their glare at the readers. "This is your fault!" Harry insisted again.

"As you can tell by now, that whole weekly update thing was a prank," Remus/the author who's also called Moony said. "Psych! Happy April Fools!"

"Wait, does this mean everything's going back to normal now?" Harry asked.

Remus/the author you know what we're just going to say Moony – Moony checked his/her – their watch, then shrugged. "I mean, April Fools is almost over. So, if you're sure you don't want to have kinky sex, then yeah."

"I'm positive," Harry said.

"I don't want to be a dominatrix anymore," Ginny said. "I prefer to bottom."

Harry pointed to Ginny. "See? Leave her alone, okay?"

Moony raised an eyebrow. "Well, I could put you in the leather suit."

"No!" Harry and Ginny insisted.

"Fiinnnneeee," Moony sighed. "Happy April fools, readers, I'll see you next week with the real update."

"Thank you," Harry said. Moony snapped their fingers, and everything disappeared.

…

…

Well, what are you still doing here? The chapter's over, go home.

…

…

What, do you want hints for next week's chapter? How bout this, Cable will not be there.

…

…

Yes, this is a Deadpool/Ferris Bueller's Day Out reference. Go home! Or, close your browser or something. Idk, the chapter's over, so leave!


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